Where does the line between confidence and cockiness get drawn? At what point can you tell if you're genuinely comfortable and confident in your own skin?
Throughout my struggles this far in my life, growing into the person I am today has taken a lot of effort and hard work to make mindset, and inner dialogue changes. My journey to confidence and self-acceptance has been rocky and still is a residing conflict within me. Recently, I have been told by some of my friends (particularly one unique soul who inspired me to write this post) as having reached 'confidence goals' for if someone met me all they would see if a confident person. So it made me ask myself, but am I really as confident as I appear to be? I would like to say 100%, that I can strut into a room anywhere and not for a second compare myself to others around me or what they might be saying about me. Confidence certainly is still something I continue to build and work on, I believe it is a constant evolution for anyone. As we go day to day in this fast-paced society under the influence of social media and social pressures, our confidence is constantly getting knocked down and built up again and again. I am writing to you now to share some of my struggles I have encountered with building my confidence and the tactics I have learned to build up my resilience and inner strength. The confidence I have built has helped me overcome some obstacles in my path. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone to truly live my best life and by shedding a little light on the tools I've used to build up self-love, I hope you can achieve it too.
Some Background...
To throw it back for a short bit my lack of confidence and worthiness has stemmed from 'teasing' and an 'outsiderness feeling' that began heavily in middle school after moving across the world four times, which carried on through my senior year of high school. From the keen age of 14, arriving in America, after having spent a year in Germany, I was the centre of attention of teasing. From the makeup, I was wearing, to my physical body, clothing style, and general 'outsiderness'. I was different from the small-town girls in my school. I didn't play sports as many of the girls did at that time. My love of dance and horseback riding wasn’t a commonality among my classmates. I found it incredibly hard to fit into this new norm of middle school and then in high school. While the older I grew the better it got, I never learned at that age to stand up for myself due to my desire and need to feel accepted. I won't get too specific on the details of the 'making fun' of that was being done, but it deeply hurt me. It is still something I carry with me today, and still at times desire to change myself to conform. However, life looked up when I began to model at age 17. I suddenly was forced to act confident when I was doing a shoot, a job or walking into a casting by myself having people stare at me from head to toe. The only way to get through these things, in the beginning, was to fake my self-confidence and believe it or not, it always works.
Fake it till you make it
“Fake it till you make it”, is the first 'hack' in which I learned to become confident. By acting confident, I was beginning to practice visualizing how a more secure me would address situations and people. I would picture myself walking into a room and radiating confidence. Then I would practice that while on the runway. I began to radiate confidence just like all the other models. The old saying mind over matter. If you think it you will feel it. I started to feel better about myself. You will too if you try it. Others will look up to you and aspire to reach your level of inner beauty and strength, I promise.
Start Saying No
In college, before joining a sorority at the end of my first year, I always felt a bit on the outside of social groups. Being enrolled in the dance program alongside regular classes took up so much of the mental and physical energy. I was not living the same lives as my roommates and other students therefore not blending in, which made me feel uncomfortable once again. While college was already better from the start, I still compared myself to everyone around me. It led me to get taken advantage of in many situations because I didn’t stand up for myself or tell a friend how I felt. I realized that this starts by saying, "NO”. When it comes to confidence and not letting others knock you down, voice your genuine opinion. It’s okay to say no to anything you wish not to do or what is hurting you. There is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion and saying no.
Trust Yourself & Practice Self-Care
Returning to school after recovering from the eating disorder orthorexia sophomore year of college at UCSB, was a test of my strength and self-acceptance. Was I ready to be in charge of caring for myself by starting to accept and trust my body all over again? Realizing you are the one responsible for taking care of your body invokes a question of trust. Can you trust yourself? The answer is yes; we are all born as babies counting on our bodies to tell us our needs. Using our minds to help respond to those needs in the best ways possible just establishes confidence in yourself as your personal caretaker. This was such an empowering time for me. Once I realized I had to now take care of and trust my body led me to a new form of self-acceptance. This body is mine and needs to be healthy and strong to allow me to experience life, not brittle boned and weak. You need to take charge of your life and make the change to trust your intuition and take control of caring for yourself to live a long beautiful life. That also means believe in yourself and have confidence that you will make the right decisions for yourself. Self-care is also a huge confidence booster. I have personally found that dedicating time to relax or engage in self-care rituals only grow your intuition and trust.
Step Outside Your Comfort Zone
Moving to Europe two years ago to begin a new study in a new place with all new friends and people was a test of confidence. Was the confidence I had built up until now good enough? Yes, I could manifest that confidence and put myself out there. I spoke to new people and am still taking new risks. As long as you enjoy yourself, that's all that matters. Take a leap of faith. This is one huge 'test' and action that can truly push you to reach your confidence goals. How comfortable are you in a room of new people? Why not find out? Moving to Europe alone was a massive risk for me and pushed me to reach out and project a newfound sense of kindness, confidence, and energy anywhere I met new people. Consistently doing this makes it easier and easier until you don't feel pressured and stressed anymore to fit in. This is pure bliss for me. I found I can (most of the time) just be myself and be comfortable wherever I might be and whoever I might be around. Life is too short to constantly worry about what others think and let them knock you down. You are in control of your inner dialogue, and we were each uniquely created to serve on this planet a purpose. So own your flaws and present to the world, the confident you!
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XOXO,
KEN
Follow my journey on Instagram: @begorgeousandglobal & @kennedywenz